Chinese Whispers - Or the Beauty of Inter-Human, Cross-Cultural and -Gender communication..

Love is in the air. Not. Anymore. At least not in those moments when you feel like throwing with fruits (??) frustrated and feeling handicapped by the limitations of our human communication and perceptions. I guess we have all felt that way at some point during our relationship, at work, with our parents, siblings, neighbors??? (Or maybe its just me..)

Au Bureau

Now as a business professional, having worked in International corporations in different countries for more than a decade you would think you'd seen it all! Communication techniques GALORE! Understanding different work styles and preferences to communicate, Meyers Briggs (Love!) countless personality, color tests (I am Red, Yellow with a good portion of Gold.. Right..), Sandwich tactics, Watzlawick, and more and last but not least mastering the world language ENGLISH. What else do we need, one would think?

I have to admit I have been fascinated by this topic ever since this very pivotal moment years ago, when I was participating in an International project, sitting in a meeting at a table with one Italian colleague, one French one British and myself. Heated debate! Everyone speaking perfect English. Company language - Fullstop. And literally no-one-understanding-the other AT ALL!!!
Unbelievable. I was stunned (and frustrated as everyone else, in that moment) that we were simply and seemingly not able to explain each other our different view points. (And most importantly not considering each other's different cultural backgrounds). I still remember pondering for days about what went wrong in that meeting and how we could not understand each other. But then it dawned at me that it was probably the first time I really understood what Paul Watzlawick meant with Metacommunication..

So this is when it get's truly interesting. As if communication was not complicated enough already, when intercultural differences get added to the mix of personal preferences and preferred thought processes (i.e. Bottom Up vs Top Down etc) level of emotionality and rationality, as well as external circumstances.

OF COURSE I did not study this and most certainly do not intend to pretend expertise in this field, but I cannot deny that I have been fascinated by this topic, having lived and worked in different countries abroad for the last almost 9 years and even more importantly having married Internationally. (Oh SUCH potential for misunderstandings when it comes to family dynamics..! ;-) )

A la Maison 

Nowadays there are endless curriculums & studies about managing cultural diversity and understanding and collaborating better, and global companies have long understood the importance of investing in this area.
But how does this work at home? At my home for example.
Oh, what would it be boring if we would always understand each other, right..? But seriously. Sometimes things could be easier.
My husband and I communicate in a for us foreign language. English. So besides the usual Woman vs Man (Venus vs Mars) misunderstandings imagine the same thing with a hint of that good old game commonly known as "Chinese Whispers", Or in France "Telephone" or in Germany "Stille Post" or.. (OK, here it starts already..!).
So I'm about to say something that in my mind and my language is absolutely NO ISSUE at all (for me :)). Then I say it in English, already changing the tone one nuance (due to my linguistic limitations) and when my husband receives the message converting it back into his language (all happening in nano seconds of course) we have arrived at a full grown and proper misunderstanding! (And suddenly a basic question/suggestion arrives as a blame..)
ME suggesting on a hot day: "Why don't you go outside and water the plants?"(Suggestion, right?)  HE: "WHAT? Why do you always say"Why don't you...??? As if I was not doing this???" (Blame!)
Okay..
Needless to say, its of course NEVER my fault! (Pout face..)
But in all seriousness, one thing I have learned and am still learning everyday is the need to LISTEN and to take the benefit of the doubt! Not everything is meant the way we receive the message.
(Good old Watzlawick again..)

But why do we refuse to use the same communication techniques we have learnt to use in a professional environment at home?
That's probably a good thing, as this is where we are showing emotions (and sure should!) and who doesn't like to throw a lemon every once in a while?

L'Amour 

And then there is the the endless potential arguments, the spice in every relationship, the moments when  we get confronted with simple system shut-down of our rationale side, forgetting our etiquette and most of what we learned, when we are facing some of the interesting gender or personality dynamics in some relationships. These personality trades can of course vary and are not tied to Gender. Below is just one example, that I got inspired by through Meyers Briggs Personality Type Indicator (MBTI) (and maybe my own life?? ;-) )

Man (INTP): "Tomorrow I'm going to do the laundry" 
Woman (ESFJ): (Immediately registering this timeline, which the man set, in her naturally built-in internal "schedule-and-to-do-list center" and working with it. Tictoc tictoc)) "That's great. Thanks! Could you by any chance include my favorite dress that I wanna wear the day after?"
Man: "Sure thing!"
Next day. Something else came up and laundry was not done.
One more day later.
Woman: (Seeing the dress, she wanted to wear, still in the dirty laundry basket. Shrieking tone of voice and puffing sharp breath out.)
"I thought you wanted to do laundry yesterday??? Why did you not do it? And WHY did you not at least say something??? Now I can't wear my favorite dress today!" (Pulling a face and stomping with the foot.. (Okay, I'm exaggerating a little..)
Man: "Really? Are you freaking out over Laundry? Are you for real??"
For the Man who had a MBTI preference for "Thinking" as well as "Perceiving", missing this deadline was clearly not a huge deal and certainly not something he would get emotional over.
For the woman, however, the timeline the man set was something she built into her planning and relied on it, as she had a preference for "Judging". The fact that she was also stronger on the "Feeling" side of things according to Meyers Briggs (or simply said more emotional) made her react, taking the missed timeline personal and the the lack of heads-up as a sign of disrespect.

I did mention that you will find some "hobby psychology" on my blog, right??? So just to reiterate.. These are just my 2 cents and personal observations. :)

But wouldn't it be boring if it wasn't like this??